The truth about abusive relationships.

This afternoon I found myself trying to explain to my almost 15 year old daughter how women end up in abusive relationships.  As someone who has been in one, It's a question I've had asked of me a lot ( and indeed, asked of myself).

You can break that down into smaller questions.  Is it low self-esteem?  Think they can't do any better?  Can't support themselves financially?  Have no support?  So desperate for love they'll take it in any form?  Truly, these can be the initial mitigating factor, but just as often, women have none of these insecurities, and end up going through a cycle of abuse anyway.  However, you'll notice that as an abusive relationship progresses, these things will BECOME a problem, a reason, whatever you want to call it.

And so here I found myself, at the end of such a relationship, asking myself these very questions.  I'm an educated, intelligent woman.  I was perfectly capable of finding a good partner, a good job, settling down, raising kids, living the dream.  So what went wrong?  And the only answer I was ever able to come up with, was 'it doesn't start out that way'.  Even to my own ears, it seems like the weakest, most ridiculous excuse.  Obviously it's easy to look at someone in a bad relationship and say 'why don't you just leave?'.  And again, you come back to those questions.

This afternoon, I had a kind of lightbulb moment.  Not that I didn't understand it already in my own head because I've experienced it, but an easier way to explain to those who couldn't (and thank heavens for that, as it means they've never had the experience) understand.

So here's the deal.  We don't have some first date with a guy who treats us like shit on his shoe, beats us around a bit and think yes! I'm going to marry this gem!  Because clearly, who would?  Abusers are very skilled at turning on the charm.  They're excellent at coming across as the world's best suitor; so much so, that often abused women have difficulty convincing others of their plight.  The other thing they're good at, is picking the chink in your armour.

For me, it was what other people thought of me.  'Why do you want to hang out with people who are beneath you?'.  It never occurred to me that nobody ever seemed to be 'above' me.  I was just so worried that people would think badly of me for the choices I made, I agreed.  And slowly, he began 'choosing' my friends for me.  Soon, it became personal insults.  Nothing I did was good enough.  So I tried harder.  And it seemed worse.  So I tried even harder.  Eventually, my self confidence began to erode.  And so it snowballed into this horrible situation that I couldn't think my way out of.  It's like this for most victims of abuse.  

Abusers aren't a packet of instant arsehole, just add water.  We don't set out to find the most horrible person we can and start a relationship.  It's a bit like gaining weight.  Nobody suddenly finds an extra 20kg...it's a gradual process that happens over time.  So little at a time, in fact, that we don't notice it becoming a problem until it's a big one.

Anyway, that's my two cents for tonight!