The truth about abusive relationships.

This afternoon I found myself trying to explain to my almost 15 year old daughter how women end up in abusive relationships.  As someone who has been in one, It's a question I've had asked of me a lot ( and indeed, asked of myself).

You can break that down into smaller questions.  Is it low self-esteem?  Think they can't do any better?  Can't support themselves financially?  Have no support?  So desperate for love they'll take it in any form?  Truly, these can be the initial mitigating factor, but just as often, women have none of these insecurities, and end up going through a cycle of abuse anyway.  However, you'll notice that as an abusive relationship progresses, these things will BECOME a problem, a reason, whatever you want to call it.

And so here I found myself, at the end of such a relationship, asking myself these very questions.  I'm an educated, intelligent woman.  I was perfectly capable of finding a good partner, a good job, settling down, raising kids, living the dream.  So what went wrong?  And the only answer I was ever able to come up with, was 'it doesn't start out that way'.  Even to my own ears, it seems like the weakest, most ridiculous excuse.  Obviously it's easy to look at someone in a bad relationship and say 'why don't you just leave?'.  And again, you come back to those questions.

This afternoon, I had a kind of lightbulb moment.  Not that I didn't understand it already in my own head because I've experienced it, but an easier way to explain to those who couldn't (and thank heavens for that, as it means they've never had the experience) understand.

So here's the deal.  We don't have some first date with a guy who treats us like shit on his shoe, beats us around a bit and think yes! I'm going to marry this gem!  Because clearly, who would?  Abusers are very skilled at turning on the charm.  They're excellent at coming across as the world's best suitor; so much so, that often abused women have difficulty convincing others of their plight.  The other thing they're good at, is picking the chink in your armour.

For me, it was what other people thought of me.  'Why do you want to hang out with people who are beneath you?'.  It never occurred to me that nobody ever seemed to be 'above' me.  I was just so worried that people would think badly of me for the choices I made, I agreed.  And slowly, he began 'choosing' my friends for me.  Soon, it became personal insults.  Nothing I did was good enough.  So I tried harder.  And it seemed worse.  So I tried even harder.  Eventually, my self confidence began to erode.  And so it snowballed into this horrible situation that I couldn't think my way out of.  It's like this for most victims of abuse.  

Abusers aren't a packet of instant arsehole, just add water.  We don't set out to find the most horrible person we can and start a relationship.  It's a bit like gaining weight.  Nobody suddenly finds an extra 20kg...it's a gradual process that happens over time.  So little at a time, in fact, that we don't notice it becoming a problem until it's a big one.

Anyway, that's my two cents for tonight!

I-I-I like Aeroplane Jell-eeeeee

So I'm lying here, trying to wind down....and all that's going through my head is 'I got it made, I got it made fresh at Subway'. It's been a recurring problem recently, every time the ad comes on it's on a loop for half of the day.

Tonight, I thought I'd try to get rid of it by thinking of a classic jingle everyone loves...the Aeroplane Jelly ad.  Cute...timeless....and funnily enough, as it turns out, irritatingly grating when it's going through your head for the 67th time. Gah.

Thing is, I know these ads are meant to get stuck in your head, so next time you go out and feel a bit peckish, you drive past a Subway and think mmm, fresh sandwich.  Only it has the opposite effect for me.  I'll see the product, instantly the jingle starts up in my head, and I'm so peeved I'm wishing the product out of existence, as well as it's creator, the people that wrote and performed the jingle, their dogs and second grade teachers and everyone else who's ever been a part of their lives, just so I will never again have to have 'come in and see the good good Good Guys' taking up space in my brain.

And there are so very many of them.  Who could forget 'Lube Mobile will come to you, 13 13 32', and the even more brain-scraping little kid with the speech impediment repeating the number while simultaneously managing to look like he hasn't crapped in a week.  Or 'I feel like chicken tonight'.  And anyone who's ever lived in Melbourne would have been a victim of Franco Cozzo and his shops in 'Braaanswick, and Foot-a-scray'.

And then there's the frustrating characters.  Who on earth thought up Wallace Fairweather and decided hey, this whiny-voiced irritating moron could help us sell tiles?

So what's the verdict for you guys?  Do you think of them as happy little ditties that assist you in deciding where to spend your hard-earned cash? Or are you like me, who'd rather dig my ear canals out with a spoon, before taking to every jingle-recording studio in the country with an Uzi?

She works hard for the money

So, we've moved.  I love love LOVE the town, and that everybody here is so friendly. The scenery is just amazing. So far, it's a very relaxing place to live.

And....I have found my dream job. I'm co-ordinating respite services for a disability organisation. I get a company car for personal use (a very sexy Honda CRV!), an awesome salary that increases every six months, and fantastic school hours. And, like everywhere else, the people are lovely - so friendly and happy.

So all good, right? Well, almost. There is one thing I'm struggling with. Some of you know that I was done over fairly badly at work last year by someone I had called a friend. We had socialised outside of work on a number of occasions. I helped her through a personal crisis, she supported me through some of mine. Then, unbeknown to me, apparently I upset her - and rather than discuss it with me as you would expect from a friend, she chose to complain about me to anyone who would listen. It pretty much destroyed my career with that organisation, as I felt I had to leave to protect the clients from further confusion and disruption.

I've always been the kind of person that can't understand why people just can't get along. People used to warn me against having personal relationships in the workplace; I called those people cynical. It was extremely hard for me to accept that I had been wrong all along. That having friendships in the workplace could ruin your career.  I decided then and there, that I would never again socialise with work colleagues - that I would be friendly, but not a friend. That work and personal would remain forever separate.

In my new workplace, it seems EVERYONE socialises with one another. And what's more, they genuinely appear to like each other. And weirdly, it now terrifies me. I'm not sure how I'm expected to behave.  I don't want to go back on my rule. But at the same time, I don't want to offend people by seeming detached when there are so many friendship groups. I don't want to alienate myself.

So herein lies the problem. Now, I've only been there for a week, but I'm already being invited to social events. I really want to believe these people are genuine in their offers of friendship. But I love this job too - and I don't want to lose it. Early days I suppose...but of all the things I'm having to learn at this new job, this is the thing I'm having the hardest time wrapping my head around.

Have I turned into a cynical bitch? Is it really possible to have work colleagues that are also friends? How can you tell? I'd love to hear experiences from others.

Six Months in my Leaky Brain

Yes....my brain has been leaking.  Not literally leaking of course, or I wouldn't be here typing...but figuratively leaking, in that there is SO much stuff in it, i'm sure stuff's falling out of my ears.

Just a run down of that time....I left a job I loved but couldn't stay at, for a job I hated but paid the bills, while working in our shop as well, adding up sometimes to 70 hour weeks.  Then I found out hubby wasn't coping with the business, and his mental health is such that we need to close the shop.  So for the last 8 weeks, i've been running it by myself, with very few skills, muddling through, making money but not enough without onsite work, all while trying to figure out how the hell I close a business, and what to do next?  We live above the shop, so we can't stay there obviously.

Hopefully, we're starting to reach the horizon of all this - and the exciting part is, we get to move to an area that I LOVE, into a house that may be able to become ours in a year or so.  I can't WAIT for fresh apples and berries; for quiet days and snowy winters.  I can't wait for our dream home.  And I absolutely can't wait for all this stress to die down, so hopefully....my brain will stop leaking!

NAPLAN - Biggest joke in education

My three children all went off to school this morning stressed....why?  Because they have NAPLAN testing today.

I learned this week that particularly in the primary school, the children have been coached on NAPLAN, and have been doing practise tests for some time.  In fact, SO much emphasis has been placed on these tests, the poor kids are now worried they might not do well on them.  My kids don't tend to worry about tests too much, so this says to me, they've made a HUGE deal out of it at school.

So, obviously testing is designed to determine what somebody has learned about a particular subject.  It is true though, that if you study a particular style of test, you can do better on it than before.  Take IQ tests for example...if you go through similar IQ tests over and over, you'll get a better result.  But you don't really have a higher IQ.  So bearing this in mind, it could be inferred that the same would be true of NAPLAN.

I would suggest that the system is not working, because rather than being a true indication of the children's knowledge levels, it's simply an indication of how well they have been coached to pass that test.  

This paragraph comes directly from the NAPLAN website's FAQ's:

"NAPLAN is not a test of content. Instead, it tests skills in literacy and numeracy that are developed over time through the school curriculum. Teachers will ensure that students are familiar with the test formats and will provide appropriate support and guidance. Excessive preparation is not useful and can lead to unnecessary anxiety. If you have any questions about your child's preparation for NAPLAN, you are encouraged to make a time to speak with their teacher.

NAPLAN tests are constructed to give students an opportunity to demonstrate skills they have learned over time through the school curriculum, and NAPLAN test days should be treated as just another routine event on the school calendar. The best way you can help your child prepare for NAPLAN is to reassure them that NAPLAN tests are just one part of their school program, and to urge them to simply do the best they can on the day."

Well.  It seems the schools are confused about the administration of NAPLAN!  My children certainly feel they have been subjected to 'excessive preparation', so I would be led to believe by the fact that Tahlia has been talking about it all week, and the others have mentioned it too, when normally they don't tell me they have a test to take.  

Next NAPLAN, I think my kids will stay home.  What are your thoughts on it?

Life-Changing Bread

It's a very bold claim, eh?  Life-Changing bread.  The author of the blog, My New Roots, where I found the recipe, admits it's a bold claim, but she was willing to stand by it.  I thought, that's some confidence, right there.  On my quest to find healthier snack foods, this seemed like a go-er. Or at least, a try-er.  Honestly, I just didn't see how this would come together as described.  No flour?  At ALL?  Gluten-free, Vegan, good for you, AND tasty?  Bah.  Yeah, right.

So, anyway, this is the recipe:

The Life-Changing Loaf of Bread
Makes 1 loaf

Ingredients:
1 cup / 135g sunflower seeds
½ cup / 90g flax seeds
½ cup / 65g hazelnuts or almonds
1 ½ cups / 145g rolled oats
2 Tbsp. chia seeds
4 Tbsp. psyllium seed husks (3 Tbsp. if using psyllium husk powder)
1 tsp. fine grain sea salt (add ½ tsp. if using coarse salt)
1 Tbsp. maple syrup (for sugar-free diets, use a pinch of stevia)
3 Tbsp. melted coconut oil or ghee
1 ½ cups / 350ml water

Directions:
1. In a flexible, silicon loaf pan combine all dry ingredients, stirring well. Whisk maple syrup, oil and water together in a measuring cup. Add this to the dry ingredients and mix very well until everything is completely soaked and dough becomes very thick (if the dough is too thick to stir, add one or two teaspoons of water until the dough is manageable). Smooth out the top with the back of a spoon. Let sit out on the counter for at least 2 hours, or all day or overnight. To ensure the dough is ready, it should retain its shape even when you pull the sides of the loaf pan away from it it.
2. Preheat oven to 350°F / 175°C.
3. Place loaf pan in the oven on the middle rack, and bake for 20 minutes. Remove bread from loaf pan, place it upside down directly on the rack and bake for another 30-40 minutes. Bread is done when it sounds hollow when tapped. Let cool completely before slicing (difficult, but important).
4. Store bread in a tightly sealed container for up to five days. Freezes well too – slice before freezing for quick and easy toast!

So, first problem - I didn't have a silicone loaf-pan.  So I thought i'd wing it and see whether my regular loaf pan would work.  As stated in the recipe, you pull the side of the loaf pan away to make sure the 'dough' has 'set'.  So obviously, I wasn't going to be able to do this.

Apparently, you can substitute any kind of seed or nut for any other kind of seed or nut in the recipe.  I decided to stick to the basics, although I did substitute the maple syrup for honey, as I didn't have any.  I also used ghee.  And here's where I had my second problem - the 'dough' didn't get thick while stirring - at all.  The way the instructions read, I expected it to get sticky, but if anything, it was a sloppy mess.  At that point I figured it wasn't going to work, but I sat it on the bench to 'prove' anyway.  (Proving is the word i'm using - it doesn't rise, at all, but it is supposed to set until it holds shape).

So it sat there for the two hour minimum, looking like this:

At the end of the two hours, I poked it.  It kind of felt firm.  I guess this is where having the silicone loaf pan would be handy.  But I thought, what the hey, and chucked it in the oven.  My oven is fan-forced, and because the recipe didn't say anything about this, I adjusted it down to about 160.

At the end of the 20 minutes, I pulled it out.  It was stuck to the sides, so I ran around the edges with a knife.  And then ran into my third problem - when I turned it out, a small amount stayed with the bottom of the tin (I guess you really need that silicone pan!).  It looked kind of 'sticky' though...so I shoved it back in the hole it came from, and returned it to the oven as per the instructions.

Because my pan was shallow, I set the timer for 30 minutes, and at 30 minutes it seemed nice and brown like it did in the blog pictures.  So I took it out and put it on a rack to cool.  I apologise, but the photo of this stage doesn't seem to want to upload.  I was impressed that it seemed the chunk that fell out had re-integrated into the loaf - that was encouraging.

So once it was cool, I went to inspect it - and I didn't hold out high hopes.  It looked, and felt, like a brick.  I could pick it up and wave it around in the air (I actually did, and it survived).  But, seeing as i'd gone this far, I figured we may as well taste it.

Oh. My. God.  This was one of the most AWESOME things i'd tasted in my whole entire life, and that's no exaggeration.  The nutty flavour, combined with the seeds and the hint of honey was amazing.  The inside, while dense (as you'd expect - the entire thing is basically grains, seeds and nuts) was beautifully moist.  Hubby and I tried it with butter, and then with a smear of jam, and it tasted awesome either way.  It's not really a BREAD, as such, for instance I wouldn't attempt a sandwich with it, but I can imagine it toasted and dipped in hot soup, or on the side of a salad, or on its own for afternoon tea (which is actually what we did with it today) spread with jam, or butter, or avocado, or pesto, or salsa, or chutney.....the possibilities are endless.  The only thing i'll change next time I make it, is maybe substitute the hazelnuts for macadamias (just because i'm freaky for macadamias) and to use a silicone pan!

Would totally recommend this, even the two kids that have tried it so far have liked it (admittedly, they're the least fussy two, but still).  Just to wrap up - gluten-free, vegan, egg-free, and even dairy free if you choose to use the coconut oil instead of the ghee.  It would be kind of difficult to make nut-free, although I supposed you could just put another different kind of seed in it instead.  

I did want to upload another photo at this point of how awesome it looks on a plate spread with jam, but the uploader still isn't co-operating - but you get the idea!

Why I'm reluctant to volunteer

Don't get me wrong - I have the UTMOST respect for volunteers.  Often they're doing a job nobody else is willing to do, and what's more, they're doing it out of the goodness of their heart, or a genuine interest in the area they're volunteering in.  But these days, often one of two things happen, which make me reluctant to volunteer:

1. IT'S NEVER ENOUGH.  You know the drill.  Somebody asks for help with something.  It may be an organisation you're already involved in, or your child's school, or a community organisation you know of.  You assess your own situation - maybe you have kids, or work full time, or have other commitments (or you have kids, work full time AND have other commitments)....and think, yes, I can manage this one thing.  So you're cruising along, feeling quite comfortable in your one thing....when suddenly, BAM!  They're looking for somebody to do another 'little job'.  They start looking your way, and you just know it's only a matter of time before somebody directly approaches you to take on the job.  And not only that, they EXPECT you to say yes.  And they're often quite offended, even rude, if you refuse.  No reason is good enough; I once pointed out that I was working one full time job, one part time job, raising four children and already being secretary for an organisation's project as a reason why I why I felt I wasn't able to also take on the role of fundraising manager, and was told huffily 'Well, we're ALL busy!'.  I'm sure we all are....but right at that moment, I just didn't feel superhuman, and was literally at the limit of all I could humanly manage.  I was also rather offended that my current contribution clearly wasn't considered 'good enough'.  Really, if people are volunteering their time for free, you'd think every little bit helped?

2. THE ASSUMPTION THAT EVERYONE HAS EITHER MONEY, OR TIME.  Schools are a particularly common culprit in this one.  I am usually happy to put a couple of dollars in for fundraising, if I have it.  But sometimes - you just don't have it.  And that's when they hit you with the 'oh, you could volunteer your time'.  Hmm....yes I could....if I had any!  There seems to be some misconception that you don't have any money because you don't do anything.  Perhaps this is because usually, if you have money you work a lot....unfortunately, the opposite usually isn't true.  The reality is, a lot of people (myself included) spend the majority of their time earning enough money to support themselves.  And nobody's immune in my house - everybody has a job to do to to keep this household and family ticking along in any kind of regular manner!  The shock, the horror, children in our family actually have some responsibilities.  I know it's a radical idea, but we do it a) out of necessity and b) in the hope that we're raising well rounded, responsible children who know the value of their contributions to society.  And, believe it or not - all this pesky parenting takes time too!  Unfortunately, as yet they haven't invented a video game that teaches kids good values, but if they do, i'll be sure to give it a look.

So yes, currently the idea of volunteering for anything leaves a sour taste in my mouth.  Which is sad, because I have previously been the kind of person who loves to help - if I can.  I just don't like being forced into it.

How do others feel?  Have you experienced either of these attitudes?