I just wanted to express my appreciation for the treatment you gave us waitresses this evening.
To start with, i'd love to thank you for coming in already drunk. Loud, inebriated, large groups of men are always the most fun to serve. It's awesome how you don't book - free and easy, right? It's no problem at all to move half the restaurant around to provide you with a table for 20, in the middle of service.
It's cute how when one of you orders for the rest, you give all your mates cute little nicknames to make them laugh. We find it hilarious when we get to the table with three heavy, burning hot plates that nobody is claiming because nobody has that name. We don't mind standing there with our skin melting off while you have a huge gaffaw over it - after all, skin grows back.
I'd like to personally extend my thanks to the one with long, thinning hair. I really felt like I needed a great, big, smelly cuddle this evening, and the addition of the boozy breath in the ear was a real bonus. I'm terribly sorry I couldn't accompany you outside to hear you sing - i'm sure you're fantastic. Maybe next time hey?
I'm also glad I could make your weekend by providing you with a spunky arse and great tits. It was a huge ego boost for me too - after all, my good-looking, 6 foot tall blonde husband just isn't enough for me, I really need the validation of a short, beer-bellied 50 year old to make me feel REALLY smashing. And I bet sexually harassing a waitress while on your boys' golfing weekend would impress your wife back home - why, I bet she'd want you so bad after that!
So thank you, for making our evening truly memorable.
Arseholes.
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